a ramblin of heart
i am strugglin ...
9.9.25
i have shared with some close friends recently who i trust to not only hold that space for me but to also look me in my face and say … yes or no, follow me back up, it’s not all yours to hold. and joy is very alive in that too.
i spent the good part of the weekend in pretty deep reflection.
i felt targeted and on edge. and am unraveling the why bc “lunatic” doesn’t apply to me and on paper and in practice there’s not a direct line, nothing that i say or do has any through line to hate, disparity, cruelty, oppression or violence.
what i am recognizing tho is that swimming in a sea of masks my unmasking is a threat to comfortability.
don’t rock the boat.
stay neutral.
shhhhh.
and here in lies my struggle …
abuse has become mainstream.
waging war against anyone - currently mainstream.
unaccountability- mainstream.
threatening and doxxing groups of people who don’t look like you or share your beliefs, mainstream.
i’m so confused why our solution in small town america is oh we just don’t talk about those things.
no, we (collective) just voted it into power and then exchange pleasantries at the ballgame as if those policies and beliefs don’t meet us here on our fields, in our hallways, on our streets, in our schools or in our social media feeds.
i know in my heart that the best way forward is to keep leaning into heart and softening into grace.
to keep educating and reminding myself and my teenage boys that compassion is confidence and kindness is brave, inclusion is true community and empathy is a bridge to humanity. even when that message isn’t mainstream.
how critical thinking and discernment are fierce resources toward wisdom. even when mainstream rejects it.
how believing in something bigger than ourselves and watching it come alive in the way we walk the world is the truest form of God we might ever witness on this side of of the plane. even as mainstream contradicts it.
so i’m struggling. the through line seems broken, disconnected. and our conditioning has a strong pull towards don’t look directly at it, skirt it, ignore it or maybe even worse excuse it. and the divide widens.
no big “here’s the bright side” from me beyond i am so very grateful for the resources that ground me and return me to heart, again and again. because it’s there where compassion meets perspective and clarity widens. and the sun is shiny and the birds are serenading this ramble. and so joy is very alive too.
the ease and the struggle in me, sees and honors the ease and the struggle in you.